Friday, Week 1 - Lost and Waiting

"I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek out your servant, for I do not forget your commandments" (Psalm 119:176).

    Feeling lost, losing my sense of direction, experiencing panic, searching for the way to go, hoping to find a familiar path, finding my way home--all this has been a part of my midlife experience. Midlife has been a continual process of getting terribly lost inside, feeling far away from who I am, from the space of "me," struggling and yearning to come home to myself and then, all of a sudden, feeling at home, finding a space in me that I had either forgotten or newly discovered.
    Whether we are feeling lost because we need to leave something or someone behind, or need to recover a part of ourselves, or need to move into something totally new, or we are experiencing the lostness that comes in the form of an escape, our movement toward wholeness and "being found" will require waiting. Accepting the not knowing and having to wait can oftetimes be the hardest part of midlife.

    Well once again, I failed to blog on Friday and Saturday. To be fair, I'm not surprised that I take those evenings to relax and unwind from a long week. Then, on Sunday, I recharge, and really focus on preparing myself for the upcoming week. I won't get to catching up tonight, but I'm feeling pretty okay with where I'm at. Plus, the reflection from Friday means a lot more to me now that it would have on Friday...
    It isn't important to get into the details, but work on Saturday turned out to be one of the more stressful days I've experienced since starting in November. Nothing necessarily in particular, but by the time I was done, I felt anxious about everything that had been building over the last few weeks -- deadlines, review comments, long hours... everything together takes its toll. This weekend was the perfect example of what Sr. Joyce speaks of in her own personal reflection. I was lost, wondering where I'm headed, and not feeling like myself. Luckily for me, I've got phenomenal support with the people in my life I'm closest to. These people know who they are -- a couple of skype convos and phone calls later, and I'm sleeping peacefully.
    Today I spent most of the day watching college basketball (Go Jays! And... better luck next time Wildcats...), and trying to find myself again. I had a wonderful night at the youth group I volunteer with, so to close the weekend, I feel "home" once again. I know the next couple of months (the rest of "busy season"!) are going to be a journey, filled with internal pushing and pulling, finding my way in the world, and continuing to look out for where I'm headed. But as always, patience needs to be the focus. This is an idea I'm starting to get used to.