Monday, Week 4 - Growing in the Darkness

"Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy; when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light to me" (Micah 7:8).

    At times I have found it difficult to believe that darkness could be a source of growth. Darkness to a child, as well as to many adults, can be a scary, fearsome place where wild creatures wait to pounce and prey. But, in actuality, some kinds of darkness are truly our friends. Darkness is very essential for some aspects of growth and protection.
    But there is also an unfriendly darkness, like human destructiveness or hate, a blackness that can maim and wound us mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It is the kind that will lead us to despair, where we end up hurting ourselves or others. It destroys our hope and our positive view of life. We do not grow in this kind of darkness. We turn in on self. We stop believing in our goodness and beauty and that of others.
    How do I know what kind of darkness to stay in? It is not easy to know. Sometimes I just do not know. I always need someone to walk faithfully with me during these times of darkness.

    I've been thinking a lot about the Trayvon Martin case that has captured the attention of many across the country -- in short, the 17-year-old young man who was shot dead by a neighborhood watchman after a nondescript altercation of some sort.
    There are so many factors in this case that are being discussed in the media and elsewhere -- self-defense laws, what actually happened that night, racism, etc. I, like most, cannot claim to know anything about what happened leading up to the gunfire, but I do have an opinion on the story as a whole...
    I believe the story's existence and constant daily fueling is damaging for our country. Every day the media outlets release new rumors, details, celebrity quotes, etc. about this case, more and more hatred, in one direction or another, is incited. I am not against people rallying together for a cause, but this story in particular is not so much rallying people together for Trayvon, but rather against the man who (as far as we know) fired the gun.
    This is a darkness that I believe is not a positive for anyone involved, including anyone across the nation whose angry side is provoked simply by reading news article after news article about the case. Whether race had anything to do with the incident or not, I would bet that racism has gained momentum across the country as a result of the widespread reporting of this story, and that genuinely upsets me. Trayvon's family is clearly in pain, and I don't doubt they need all the support and love they can get. But it is unhealthy for them, and for us, to focus on "justice". Retaliation, vengeance, hatred -- these are truly dark emotions.
    We ought to focus on grieving, praying, healing, and loving.

Fourth Sunday of Lent - Appreciate Your Blessings

"May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face to shine upon us" (Psalm 67:1).

    Anyone and anything that brings good or God-ness into our lives is a blessing. To bless is to bring the touch of God, the touch of love and goodness, to another by our presence as well as by our actions. Blessings are a greeting from God saying "I care about you. I desire what will be for your good. You are dear to my heart. I want your life to be filled with love."
    Blessings are not always immediate, "feel good" sorts of things. Sometimes these blessings come disguised in the pain, struggle, and hardship of the unwanted parts of our lives. It is only later, with hindsight, that we look and see what a gift those times and events were for us.
    As you pray through these days, may you grow in awareness of the countless blessings that are yours. May you become much more aware of how you yourself are a blessing in the lives of others by the loving quality of who you are and what you do. Most of all, may your love and appreciation for the Giver of all Gifts, the best of all blessings, continue to grow and be enriched.

    Just last night, I led a prayer station as one of the rotations for groups of high school students for the youth group for which I serve as an adult volunteer. I led them through a brief, quiet reflection about their lives as journeys -- past, present, and future. One thing I really stressed to them was the importance of listening as a part of prayer. I figure I should probably practice what I know to be true... and I'm realizing the nature of this blogging prayer is very much "speaking, speaking, speaking". So tonight, I'm cutting this off here. I'm taking the next few moments to listen, and appreciate my blessings in silence.

Saturday, Week 3 - Changed by Our Journey

"And all of us...are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord, the Spirit" (2 Corinthians 3:18).

    Every significant journey changes us in some way. We are hardly ever aware of this while we are in the midst of it. We may have hints of these changes but it is only later, in looking back, that we gasp in amazement at what was being formed and shaped in our lives. Only then do we recognize how a new attitude, a stronger dedication, and a fuller passion stretched us into the fullness of life. Then we are able to identify the journey's ability to propel us into unexpected growth.
    Unfortunately, our significant journeys can also alter us in negative ways we do not want. Sometimes we end up with greater disillusionment, deeper dissatisfaction, unending restlessness, frustrating confusion, or brittle patterns of disturbing anger and hostility. So much of what we learn from our noteworthy journeys depends on what we experience and how we go about responding.

    It is a scary truth to realize that we as human beings are vulnerable to real regression when it comes to our spirituality and satisfaction in life. Furthermore, that this regression, or progression, depends on us. What if I fail to respond healthily to adverse life events? What if I dig myself a hole so deep, I'll never manage to come out of it?
    Fortunately, I don't believe I've come across anything in life that has broken me down so much so that I am negatively affected by it for the long term. Like anyone else, of course, I've experienced some struggle in life, but I am confident that I have always managed to come out on the other side better off. Through some of my experiences, I have met some individuals whose hearts are truly hardened by their own past experiences. I am grateful to be able to say that my life has been joyous, but I believe this contrast places some sort of responsibility upon my shoulders.
    It is very easy for me to avoid thinking about the hardships that are faced by huge percentages of our world's population. There are times when I manage to face these thoughts, but these occasions come and go fleetingly. In this moment, I pray for strength to recognize, and act on, the hardships faced by others.

Friday, Week 3 - Turning to God

"Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word" (Luke 1:38).

    When I think of "prayer," I think of the many ways a relationship develops. Certainly it happens through speaking to another person. It is also essential that it involve listening. How much more difficult to listen than to speak. More difficult yet is being at ease in a relationship when two persons are silent together.
    Prayer is being with God in an intentional way. In other words, I can deliberately turn my mind and heart toward God in whatever I am involved. I can relate to God anytime and anywhere. As I prepare a meal, I can deliberately recall how God is with me. Prayer can take place as I enjoy the muscles and mobility of the human body or the beauty of winter snow. It might happen as I drive to work and sense God's love encompassing all who are on the freeway. Or when I am in the shower and I offer to God all that I am and all that I have as I begin the day.
    Sometimes we are "pulled" into prayer, so to speak, when a sunset or a mountain or a newborn child catches our spirit and tumbles us into a deep awareness of Someone besides ourselves being there.

    Tomorrow night, I will go to a youth group for which I serve as an adult leader. The agenda tomorrow is prayer - I am to lead one of several stations about prayer, basically demonstrating this very idea, that prayer can take shape in many different forms. The irony is, I've spent some time tonight praying about how I'd like to present prayer tomorrow night. Maybe I should just take them all to a coffee shop to blog about Sr. Joyce's Lenten reflections... it seems to work for me!
    When I think of prayer, I think of the process, fully experienced. I believe this involves authentic time alone with God, as well as intentional communion with others. The two sides of this coin work together to enhance the experience. I have found great peace in praying on my own, then conveying the things I have spoken and heard during that solitary prayer to others. It is all prayer.
    I am a big believer in this communication. There is nothing more peaceful to me than to share my inner feelings - though not wrecklessly - with others. We have so much to gain from the sharing of our lives. As well, we must be careful to listen as much as we speak.

Thursday, Week 3 - Hearts Burning with Love

"Within me there is something like a burning fire shut up in my bones; I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot" (Jeremiah 20:9).

    How do we keep th elove of God aflame in us? How do we stoke the fires of our enthusiasm and passion for spiritual growth? We must stay close to the original flame of love, and draw near to the heart of God through daily prayer and through a continual yearning to be one with the divine presence. Each time we intentionally draw near to God we light a candle in our heart.
    Sometimes our prayer and our desire are not enough to keep the passion for God a live in us. At these times we need to draw close to others whose hearts are on fire with God. Simply by being with them we can often catch a spark that will renew our own lost radiance. Goodness attracts goodness. Fire leaps from heart to heart.
    We do not know the day when the spark in us will burst into greater fire. We cannot force the flame before its time. We can only do our part and entrust the kindling to our God and the people God brings into our lives.

    I read reflections such as this, and I have to simply sigh at the continued patience I am called to practice. Sometimes, this sort of daily reflection actually pushes me to feel more restless, which I suppose is how I'm meant to feel. That's the point. It's the restlessness, combined with authentic prayer and discernment, that will lead me to be who and where I am meant to be.
    I currently sit at one of the local favorite coffee shops here in Omaha, NE. How did I end up in this town, anyway? I look at my life and see that it has recently hit a destination. For years, I had a track to follow, I knew the classes I needed to take, and the job I was supposed to get. Now I'm here.
    It's a Saturday night, and I don't have plans to party. My life can be described as segmented. Part of me is navigating the brand new world I have entered, managing the challenges and appreciating the perks of my job. The other part works to discover the ways I'd most like to spend my time on the nights and weekends. I sit here tonight, and ask myself: "What's next?" Silence.
    I am happy. But I am restless. I am convinced that I am where I am meant to be.

Wednesday, Week 3 - God's Home in Our Heart

"Where can I go from your spirit? Or where can I flee from your presence?" (Psalm 139:7).

    Deep within us is a place where we have found God and God has found us. Once in a great while we come to this place within us and we realize it is the goal of our seeking. It feels like home. It is a place of safety and security, an ideal home where we can be ourselves and know that we are accepted for who we are. We have easy access to understanding and acceptance. We may be challenged to grow here, but always in the context of a deep and strong love.
    Our hearts and minds are easily distracted by many other things, everyday realities such as work, maintaining a physical home, raising a family, shopping for life's necessities. As much as we yearn to stay closely connected with this inner source we quickly lose our sense of it. Thus, we spend most of our lives seeking what we momentarily find and then lose again.
    Most of the time we search without relaly being aware of what is gnawing at us deep inside. We search for something called happiness. We long for a gift named peace. We search for meaning in our lives, for love, for understanding of ourselves and others, for an acceptance of the ups and downs of the human condition.

    It is interesting to me to note how confident Sr. Joyce is in her generalizing description of the nature of our lives' paths. To claim that we have all, at one time, found that place within us that feels like home, is a bold claim. I cannot deny, however, that it is definitely true for me. The time in my life that I have known this feeling the best is high school.
    I think about those years, and what it was that fostered the right context for such a comfortable, secure feeling I felt from within. The right people. The right place. The right words, lighting, love, just everything about those moments was instrumental in introducing me to that feeling that really felt like home.
    I do not intend to devalue the people in my life today, because I know that I am as loved as I have ever been in my life. I do, from time to time, enjoy flashes of that feeling. Still, though, I must admit that the peak of my closeness to God occurred back in those teenage years. I didn't have quite the responsibility that I hold now - that may have been the biggest difference. At the time, my lack of responsibility allowed me to really find my place and my love for God. This feeling is not extinguished now, but is admittedly a little tougher to grasp onto.
    But I see myself heading in the right direction. For that reason, I smile. :)

Tuesday, Week 3 - Finding Time to Pray

"The Lord, your God, is in your midst... he wil lrenew you in his love" (Zephaniah 3:17)

    What often keeps a person from daily prayer is the belief that one has to follow through perfectly or exactly every day. For instance, someone might decide to pray for fifteen minutes every morning. After two days of this, one of the children is ill, and there goes the fifteen minutes. The next morning it may be a flat tire or some other household emergency that takes another fifteen minutes.
    Rather than say, "It's no use, I can't find time to pray," a person needs to say, "Well, I wasn't able to have the space the last two days, but I can today...and I will. I'll begin again today.
    Spiritual growth doesn't just happen. It means not answering the phone or door during one's special time of prayer, not giving in to the long list of "must do's" which come to mind when we are finally quiet, and asking family members to respect one's quiet time by not interfering unless it's a real emergency.

    It's certainly easy to relate to the process Sr. Joyce describes in this reflection. This doesn't just apply to prayer, either. For me, there are a few things I try to motivate myself to do on a more regular basis... cook, run, work out, read, get to bed on time, get up early enough for breakfast... and none of these things seems to last more than a couple of weeks before I fall back into my lazier habits. But I do try to stay optimistic. I always try again. Sometimes I keep going longer than the last time I tried it. In fact, I feel like I may even be too comfortable with the idea of failing to keep these goals for longer than a few days.
    But I must continue to forgive myself, so long as I continue to push myself in the right direction. I do believe that I am taking steps towards becoming, slowly, a more faithful and more effective person. Unfortunately, it's not going to come as one great personal "renaissance". I must realize that in order to be the fullest person I can be, it's going to take time. I want to push myself. I pray that I will ultimately know that I am succeeding, but know that there will always be room to improve.

Monday, Week 3 - Learning the Dance of God

"Take delight in the Lord, and God will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4).

    Our minds might be filled with all the stuff that makes up our day: the unfinished work, the old fights, or the over-full calendar. Our quiet time floods us with the realization of how busy we are. We may feel depressed or discouraged as we remain in the solitude and stillness of our reflection time. Or, we may fear what could surface from within us if we remain in stillness for too long. All of this is natural and normal. It takes time to slow down, to become still, to let go. We must be patient with ourselves and with the process of quiet reflection. We must take time to learn the steps of the dance.
    We must also let go of thinking that we have to have something to show for our efforts, for our time spent dancing with God. Just choosing to be with God is valuable. We cannot control what will happen. We must simply trust God with our lives, trust that God will never harm us or lead us anywhere but into greater harmony and integrity. Prayer is not about "feeling good." Rather, it is about learning the dance of God, which is the dance of truth and wholeness.

    Yet another reflection about patience, particularly patience with prayer. I feel that it helps to be aware of this quality of prayer. In fact, it may be the case that the less one seeks for "results", the more likely he/she will reap the subtle but powerful benefits of prayer. Anxiously seeking for concrete answers to prayer can be a distraction from the true purpose of prayer.
    I still recognize that I miss nights in my Lenten promise to pray every night with Sr. Joyce's reflections. However, I have noticed that I am spending more time throughout the day really considering God's presence in my life on a more consistent basis. I'm convinced that pushing myself into the habit of reflection on a (nearly) nightly basis, has spurred me to pray throughout the day on my own.
    Tonight, I feel great appreciation for where I'm at in my life. I am restless, to be sure, about the uncertainties. But this, I believe, is to be embraced.

Third Sunday of Lent - Our Indwelling God

Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16)

    As I grew older, I recognized God's inner presence as a dynamic source of guidance and consolation. I became ever more deeply rooted in the belief that this indwelling God loves me totally and unconditionally. To this day, I draw comfort and courage from the belief that I am a container holding the presence of God. This awesome and humbling gift of the Divine Indwelling constantly enlivens my spiritual path and seeds my transformation.
    The more I become aware of God's presence in my life, the more I thirst to know this Sacred One at an ever deeper and deeper level. Like a cup that seemingly has more and more room to be filled, so I feel that my capacity to be united with God keeps expanding. The more I know how loved I am by God (the more my cup is filled) the more I am always thirsting for more of God (seeing how much room the cup still has in it to receive).

    Tonight, I watched an excellent pair of videos at the recommendation of my roommate. The presenter was Brene Brown, a researcher of shame and vulnerability. Specifically, she speaks of the inevitability of shame and guilt in our lives (and the distinction between the two), as well as the power of vulnerability. She warns against the common practice of numbing ourselves of shame, or disallowing ourselves to open up to vulnerability. Essentially, she preaches self-expression, a willingness to fail and even embrace failure, and most importantly, connection.
    I believe these points have an important spiritual application. Our God gave us life. He did not give us this life only to see us numb ourselves of any emotion. He gave us a life strewn with struggle for a reason, and it is of our own free will that we either accept and embrace the ups and downs of our journey, or shut down entirely to feel nothing. I have to believe we are called to the former.
    It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved it all. And dare I say, this applies not only to romantic relationships, but equally so to our love for humanity, laughter, colors, song ... life.

Saturday, Week 2 - Shedding Our False Self

"Give up your faults and direct your hands rightly, and cleanse your heart from all sin" (Sirach 38:10).

    Transforming Presence, layers and layers of my false self keep being stripped away from me. I walk with caterpillar feet, knowing that the skin must be shed time and again before I find my butterfly wings. I look at the old discarded peelings of the person I thought I was with some dismay and sadness, but also with some relief and joy.
    With every lifted layer, I feel lighter. With every painful peeling, I am freer. With every discarded skin, I stretch deeper. With every sloughed off segment, I grow wiser. Keep teaching me, Freedom Bringer, that it is never too late to embrace the changes that lead to my truest self. Keep nudging me away from confining security when I cling too tightly to what needs to go.
    Continue to attune my spirit to your song of ongoing transformation. Remind me daily that I will always have another layer that needs to be shed.

    Well it's been several days since I've managed to sit down and fulfill my promise to pray intentionally. I have learned, relatively recently (over the past couple of years), not to beat myself up too much over such imperfections -- I fully acknowledge my shortcomings, but letting this fact get to me only hinders my ability to rebound and do a better job moving forward.
    I think the most challenging aspect of this series of reflections from Sr. Joyce that I have been exposed to over the last few weeks is the existence of two seemingly conflicting messages. The first message is this, as expressed into tonight's reflection: Now is the time to become the person you are meant to be. The second message, though, says: Be patient.
    Each of these statements, standing alone, are very appealing. They seem like sound practices for a healthy spiritual development, etc. But when the first is heard with the second in mind, there is definitely a tension that I feel. I feel the pull in two directions, and it makes me think. Just think.
    And maybe that's the point. To think, at least regarding these topics, is to pray. And to pray, and pray often, is the first step in the right direction.

Thursday, Week 2 - Choosing to Grow

“My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it” (Luke 8:21)

    God is continually trying to communicate with us if only we will take notice. Mary, mother of Jesus, listened closely to what the Beloved was singing to her. Mary was acutely attuned to the Holy One’s movement within her. Prayer requires the same from us.

    When we listen as Mary did, we may not always like what we hear. The stirrings that come in our attentive listening sometimes turn us in a direction we least expect, as it did for Mary. Being alert and watchful does not guarantee that the content of our prayer will lack struggle and uncertainty. Even the finest of quality praying does not give instant solutions to problems or clear responses to questions.

    When we choose to pray, we choose to grow. This growth is not always harmonious and comfortable. Yet if we stay awake and remain faithful to praying each day, peace and harmony will eventually be the result of our prayer as it was in Mary’s encounter with the Spirit. Prayer opens the space of our inner being so we can be more fully attentive to divine nudging throughout the day.

    I think this is one of the most pressing points that needs to be conveyed to the millions of “lukewarm” Catholics (and for that matter, all religious) in our world. We are taught as children that if we pray for the things that we need, then we will receive them – or at least, that is how it is often interpreted. But I believe it is necessary to package with this, the following points:

·         What we need may not always be what we want.

·         It takes consistent, meaningful prayer to achieve the peace we are looking for.

·         We shouldn’t just pray for what we need (or even for others’ needs), but also for what we are grateful for.

·         Prayer takes patience.

    I think many young people (myself included) get too frustrated with prayer. The act of prayer is presented as this magic cure-for-all problems in life… so when results aren’t instant, or apparent, the praying person loses faith.

    For this reason, I believe prayer should be taught not as a tool, or a single act, or even a habit, but as a lifestyle. The act of prayer itself transforms the one praying – not necessarily by an act of God, but merely by experiencing the reflective nature of prayer. But it takes consistency. If I want to build muscle, it’s not going to happen by just hitting the gym once every couple of weeks. And if I want to experience peace in prayer, I should expect to see pray more than once a week (but I suppose that’s better than nothing!)

Friday, Week 2 - Instruments of God's Love

"For it is not you who speak, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you" (Matthew 10:20).

    How easy to believe that I am an instrument of your love when my life is going well, O God. How difficult to believe this when my life seems to be going nowhere, or is filled with many concerns and activities that wear me out. Yet, you greatly desire to proclaim your goodness through every part of my life, no matter what the situation is.
    I do not need to have good feelings in order to be an instrument of your love. I do not need to always feel satisfied with what I am attempting to be and to do in order to be a disciple of yours. It is the intention of my heart that makes the difference. Deep within I long for you and I give myself to your cause. I place my heart in yours and enter as fully as I can into your loving embrace.

    The description provided by Sr. Joyce's second paragraph is much easier said than done. I have to admit that I am guilty of focusing on God usually only when I am desperate for Him. When things seem to be going smoothly for long periods of time, inevitably I find myself forgetting: What is the point of all this? Who am I to credit for the joy in my life?
    It is natural, and good, that I look to God during the times of my life that I need the most help. But it would be another level of closeness and spirituality to maintain this prayerful lifestyle in the bad times and especially in the good times. I think this Lent has been a nice reminder of that. This is the first time in a long time that I've pushed myself into the habit of prayer simply for the sake of growing closer to God, without any urgent matters that need attention.
    I have a long way to go, though, before I can ever become satisfied with my prayer life. The risk is always there that I will let it fall off again, as the distractions pick up. In fact, I believe I should never reach a comfort or satisfaction with how much I pray. There is always time/room for more prayer, or perhaps, more effective prayer.

Wednesday, Week 2 - Listening to God

"Listen to me; be silent, and I will teach you wisdom" (Job 33:33)

    Listening is to be cultivated and renewed each day. Our lives are too full and active to automatically allow for a natural flow of attentiveness. We cannot run through life and expect that we will hear what stirs deep within us or notice what begs our attention without regularly adjusting our listening antennae.
    God is present to us in the scriptures, the liturgical life of the church, our work, prayer, people, events, and nature. Not a person, place, or a moment is left out from divine revelation. Something of value for our growth is always being made known to us in the midst of our ordinary lives. This revelation stretches far beyond and much deeper than how we usually perceive life. Our spiritual development depends on our being alive and vigilant enough to hear the message of transformation that weaves through our daily existence.

    It is not an easy thing, to be able to listen in the midst of daily life. Sr. Joyce makes this claim, that it is possible to listen, not just with time set aside for silent prayer, but also in the midst of the hustle and bustle of every day activity. Sometimes I feel that I'm not so sure I'm able to do this -- that is why I've taken on this project! -- to force myself to take the time (almost) every evening to spend time with myself and my God in prayer. I'll have to take some time to prayer about the possibility of making prayer a constant in my life... even at 2 in the afternoon on a stressful work Wednesday, when all I want to do is either take a nap or grind through my work.
    I don't want to come across like my work is a grind. There are times that it feels that way, of course, but overall, it is rewarding, albeit a little bit tough (but what rewarding experience isn't tough?). I will admit, though, that the nature of the job doesn't particularly lend itself to spiritual development. In the end, though, I do agree with Sr. Joyce, that God is present in all places, including work. It may not be apparent in the moment, but I have faith that I am where I am for a reason. That realization is a peaceful blessing.

Tuesday, Week 2 - Wake Up!

Now the moment for you to wake from sleep. For salvation is nearer to us now than when we became believers" (Romans 13:11).

    Life contains continuous wake-up calls, alerting us to the moments that reveal another dimension of our true self. How will we hear these opportunities for growth unless we are vigilant? Healthy spirituality includes interior and exterior attentiveness. This alertness requires listening. Paying attention would seem to be one of the easier tasks of the spiritual life, but reality contradicts this presumption. If anything, listening becomes ever more challenging because of the clamor and burdens of our hurried days.
    How wonderful to have our heart be that "awake." Illness, depression, certain personality traits, overwhelming home and work responsibilities prevent us from a focused awareness. Being busy in itself is not a dreadful thing, but becomes a major stumbling block to our readiness to listen when it keeps us from being alert and responsive.

    But, is it really feasible not to be busy, if I want to succeed? I guess that depends on my definition of succeed. I totally agree that being so busy is the easiest way to forget about the bigger picture for weeks, months, even years at a time. For some reason, even though I'm fairly busy now with work, I've been blessed with the opportunity to push myself to pray on an (almost) nightly basis. Yes, I've missed some nights (I'm about 4 nights behind now!), but I have to be okay with my imperfections.
    So, how do I find a lifestyle that allows me to take the time every day, maybe even throughout the day, to focus on what really matters? What are the concrete steps I need to take to reach a place where I'm not too busy with other things? What things are okay for me to be busy with? What things are not okay for me to be busy with?
    Tonight, I got the chance to talk on the phone with an old friend (can't believe I'm even old enough to have "old friends"!). We quickly caught up on our lives' happenings, and settled on the topic of defining ones' self. We decided it's hugely important in life to become someone who is about something. To discern, and decide: What am I going to be all about? When people think of me, how do they think of me? How do I want to define myself?
    When someone asks of me, I don't want it to be said of me: "Oh, Alex? He's an accountant." Of course, it's true. And, there's nothing wrong with the field of work I've landed in. But I want to be known for something more. I want to focus, really focus on something that means more to me, something I can dedicate myself to, to the point that it becomes my identity over my job. I don't know what that is yet, but I know it's just a matter of time, patience, listening, before I get there.

Monday, Week 2 - Travelers of the Heart

"Lead me in your truth, and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation." (Psalm 25:5)

What I especially value about the process of spiritual growth is the way the Holy One guides me to expire the inner terrain of my being. Whenever I open the door of my heart and take the passage beyond where I am now, the wonder and richness of divine presence and the resilient beauty of my soul amaze me. As I age, I think I am getting better at deliberately opening the door and leaving the known, safe realms behind. With each threshold crossing, I gain greater freedom to be my most authentic self.
Each of us is a traveler at heart. As we traverse the road of life, we come to unknown and unsought doors revealing further truth about our authentic self. These unfamiliar doors of life hide pieces of beneficial wisdom. They contain information for our transformation even though we may not understand this for quite a while.
The experiences of life frequently divert us rather than bring us directly to our inner treasure, causing us to doubt their worth. Each step of the way holds another opportunity for knowing who we are and how we are to live.

This reflection offers an encouraging recognition - that those life experiences that don't seem to be providing much, if any, value, in fact can ultimately be the times that are most valuable to spiritual growth. Times of uncertainty, doubt, suffering... These are the times that push one to to take the necessary steps for growth. In my case, it's prayer, it's thought, it's pushing myself to think outside the box a little bit, it's managing the daily grind and knowing there's more to this time in my life than is readily apparent. I think that will always be the case. There will never be a time in my life that isn't in some way a vital component to the rest of my life.

2nd Sunday of Lent - Inner Growth Takes Time

"May the Lord of heaven, my child, guide and prosper you this night and grant you mercy and peace" (Tobit 7:11).

    When we are experiencing inner growth, something in us yearns for instant finding instead of gradual unfolding. We want to find the way and we want it now. The child in us stamps her feet, demanding that something happen. A part of us yells such things as: "I want to know my true Self now instead of stumbling around wondering if I am headed in the right direction. Let me know where I need to go with my life. Let me get on with what I am supposed to do so I can do it. I want this unfinishedness of mine to be done." Instant discovery is rarely the way of deep growth, however. It takes time for a seed to sprout, a leaf to unfurl, and a bud to bloom. All our worry and efforts at anxious control will not speed our inner growth.
    Now is a time to recognize the pilgrim in us, that part of us which stumbles in confusion and wanders in the gray mist of unknowing. It is a time to grow in trust, believing that the stars that shine in our soul will lead and guide us to the future. Midlife is a time to be less concerned with being lost and more focused on waiting to be found. It is a time of profound and meaningful exploration if we allow it to be so.

    Once again, we revisit the theme of patience. The past few days of my life have been about 90% sleep and work, which makes the days go by fast. The jury is still out on how I feel about my job on a daily basis -- every day seems different, sometimes stressful, sometimes great, sometimes monotonous, sometimes delightful. Every day, though, I do feel this anxiety about my life's direction. I understand that there is a need for patience, but to actually attain this is a different story. I suppose I need to have patience in the process to become fully patient -- *eyeroll*
    "More focused on waiting to be found." This is tough. I'm afraid that if I try to transform my restlessness into patience, it'll inevitably slip into complacency, as it has in the past. There is a balance to be struck here, and currently (thanks to Lent), I'm probably on the anxious side of the spectrum, constantly wanting to know who I am to become, just as Sr. Joyce describes.

Saturday, Week 1 - Open the Door!

"Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door" (Revelation 3:20).

    When I open the dor of my heart to God, I do more than simply extend a smile of recognition or a nod of welcome. I open myself to grow and change in ways I may never dream likely. I risk being spiritually transformed into a person whose life continually manifests goodness. The pattern of this transformational process parallels the physical movement of going through a doorway.
    This same type of movement happens on an inner level of myself when life situations and graced moments invite me to become more fully who I am. The choices and decisions I make determine whether I'll go through the door and enter the unknown territory of growth, or turn back and cling to the safety of who I presently am. If I am alert and willing to be transformed, I open the inner door of my self and greet fresh ideas, along with possible changes in attitude and emotional responses. Whenever I choose to open the door and step across the threshold of possibility, I become more conscious of myself as a person with unlimited potential for goodness and ever fuller unity with the divine.

    In keeping with this metaphor, here is where I see myself: I've just walked through a really, really big door! I've found myself in a gigantic area, like an empty Wal-Mart, except people fill the space and are walking quickly, sometimes running, in all directions. No one seems to want to stop and take a break, and any conversation is hurried and only occurs when convenient. So, where do I go?
    I think I'd like to see what everything is all about. I'm not sure I'm going to like this, but I might as well figure out what everyone is so urgently bustling about for. Now as I'm trying to match the pace of the people around me, I start to worry when I don't immediately see the goal. What I do see, though, are many other doors, lining the walls along the outside, but they all seem very far away. I think for now, I'll keep exploring my new found space. I should give it a fair shake before I decide to pick a new door.

Friday, Week 1 - Lost and Waiting

"I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek out your servant, for I do not forget your commandments" (Psalm 119:176).

    Feeling lost, losing my sense of direction, experiencing panic, searching for the way to go, hoping to find a familiar path, finding my way home--all this has been a part of my midlife experience. Midlife has been a continual process of getting terribly lost inside, feeling far away from who I am, from the space of "me," struggling and yearning to come home to myself and then, all of a sudden, feeling at home, finding a space in me that I had either forgotten or newly discovered.
    Whether we are feeling lost because we need to leave something or someone behind, or need to recover a part of ourselves, or need to move into something totally new, or we are experiencing the lostness that comes in the form of an escape, our movement toward wholeness and "being found" will require waiting. Accepting the not knowing and having to wait can oftetimes be the hardest part of midlife.

    Well once again, I failed to blog on Friday and Saturday. To be fair, I'm not surprised that I take those evenings to relax and unwind from a long week. Then, on Sunday, I recharge, and really focus on preparing myself for the upcoming week. I won't get to catching up tonight, but I'm feeling pretty okay with where I'm at. Plus, the reflection from Friday means a lot more to me now that it would have on Friday...
    It isn't important to get into the details, but work on Saturday turned out to be one of the more stressful days I've experienced since starting in November. Nothing necessarily in particular, but by the time I was done, I felt anxious about everything that had been building over the last few weeks -- deadlines, review comments, long hours... everything together takes its toll. This weekend was the perfect example of what Sr. Joyce speaks of in her own personal reflection. I was lost, wondering where I'm headed, and not feeling like myself. Luckily for me, I've got phenomenal support with the people in my life I'm closest to. These people know who they are -- a couple of skype convos and phone calls later, and I'm sleeping peacefully.
    Today I spent most of the day watching college basketball (Go Jays! And... better luck next time Wildcats...), and trying to find myself again. I had a wonderful night at the youth group I volunteer with, so to close the weekend, I feel "home" once again. I know the next couple of months (the rest of "busy season"!) are going to be a journey, filled with internal pushing and pulling, finding my way in the world, and continuing to look out for where I'm headed. But as always, patience needs to be the focus. This is an idea I'm starting to get used to.

Thursday, Week 1 - Trying to Be with God

"I keep the Lord always before me; because God is at my right hand, I shall not be moved" (Psalm 16:7).

    When we pray, we cross a threshold into mystery. We enter openly, with an assurance that our life will continually take on the hue of the Holy One. In order to do this, we need quiet times, spaces in our day or evening when silence and solitude are given prominence in our schedule. Our culture does not promote this silence. On the contrary, we are constantly pulled this way and that by our overly active society. The electronic age seduces us with constant noise and frenetic, compulsive action. Only with steadfast determination will we create the space we need for daily, formal prayer.
    When we slow down and allow for quiet spaces, there are fewer barriers between us and the Holy One. In stillness, we come face to face with what we might otherwise miss or avoid. As we give ourselves to periods of silence and solitude, we uncover more of the truth that guides our life and are able to relish the goodness of the Beloved dwelling within the beauty of our soul.

    I have another confession to make. A lot of times, I neglect to take the opportunity to make the most of this Lenten project. The idea is supposed to encapture exactly what Sr. Joyce speaks of in this reflection. Silence, quiet time, a steadfast devotion to spending time in prayer. Yet what this has turned into is not always so. Sometimes I leave the TV on in the background. Other times I'm not really praying, but just trying to spew something into the blog window so I can say I kept up with the day. It's better than skipping, for sure, but I think I need to do a better job of intentionally praying throughout this process.
    Tonight, though, I must catch up on sleep. I will surely take the opportunity to pray as I'm closing my eyes, but my consciousness won't last for long...