Saturday, Week 1 - Open the Door!

"Listen! I am standing at the door, knocking; if you hear my voice and open the door" (Revelation 3:20).

    When I open the dor of my heart to God, I do more than simply extend a smile of recognition or a nod of welcome. I open myself to grow and change in ways I may never dream likely. I risk being spiritually transformed into a person whose life continually manifests goodness. The pattern of this transformational process parallels the physical movement of going through a doorway.
    This same type of movement happens on an inner level of myself when life situations and graced moments invite me to become more fully who I am. The choices and decisions I make determine whether I'll go through the door and enter the unknown territory of growth, or turn back and cling to the safety of who I presently am. If I am alert and willing to be transformed, I open the inner door of my self and greet fresh ideas, along with possible changes in attitude and emotional responses. Whenever I choose to open the door and step across the threshold of possibility, I become more conscious of myself as a person with unlimited potential for goodness and ever fuller unity with the divine.

    In keeping with this metaphor, here is where I see myself: I've just walked through a really, really big door! I've found myself in a gigantic area, like an empty Wal-Mart, except people fill the space and are walking quickly, sometimes running, in all directions. No one seems to want to stop and take a break, and any conversation is hurried and only occurs when convenient. So, where do I go?
    I think I'd like to see what everything is all about. I'm not sure I'm going to like this, but I might as well figure out what everyone is so urgently bustling about for. Now as I'm trying to match the pace of the people around me, I start to worry when I don't immediately see the goal. What I do see, though, are many other doors, lining the walls along the outside, but they all seem very far away. I think for now, I'll keep exploring my new found space. I should give it a fair shake before I decide to pick a new door.

Friday, Week 1 - Lost and Waiting

"I have gone astray like a lost sheep; seek out your servant, for I do not forget your commandments" (Psalm 119:176).

    Feeling lost, losing my sense of direction, experiencing panic, searching for the way to go, hoping to find a familiar path, finding my way home--all this has been a part of my midlife experience. Midlife has been a continual process of getting terribly lost inside, feeling far away from who I am, from the space of "me," struggling and yearning to come home to myself and then, all of a sudden, feeling at home, finding a space in me that I had either forgotten or newly discovered.
    Whether we are feeling lost because we need to leave something or someone behind, or need to recover a part of ourselves, or need to move into something totally new, or we are experiencing the lostness that comes in the form of an escape, our movement toward wholeness and "being found" will require waiting. Accepting the not knowing and having to wait can oftetimes be the hardest part of midlife.

    Well once again, I failed to blog on Friday and Saturday. To be fair, I'm not surprised that I take those evenings to relax and unwind from a long week. Then, on Sunday, I recharge, and really focus on preparing myself for the upcoming week. I won't get to catching up tonight, but I'm feeling pretty okay with where I'm at. Plus, the reflection from Friday means a lot more to me now that it would have on Friday...
    It isn't important to get into the details, but work on Saturday turned out to be one of the more stressful days I've experienced since starting in November. Nothing necessarily in particular, but by the time I was done, I felt anxious about everything that had been building over the last few weeks -- deadlines, review comments, long hours... everything together takes its toll. This weekend was the perfect example of what Sr. Joyce speaks of in her own personal reflection. I was lost, wondering where I'm headed, and not feeling like myself. Luckily for me, I've got phenomenal support with the people in my life I'm closest to. These people know who they are -- a couple of skype convos and phone calls later, and I'm sleeping peacefully.
    Today I spent most of the day watching college basketball (Go Jays! And... better luck next time Wildcats...), and trying to find myself again. I had a wonderful night at the youth group I volunteer with, so to close the weekend, I feel "home" once again. I know the next couple of months (the rest of "busy season"!) are going to be a journey, filled with internal pushing and pulling, finding my way in the world, and continuing to look out for where I'm headed. But as always, patience needs to be the focus. This is an idea I'm starting to get used to.

Thursday, Week 1 - Trying to Be with God

"I keep the Lord always before me; because God is at my right hand, I shall not be moved" (Psalm 16:7).

    When we pray, we cross a threshold into mystery. We enter openly, with an assurance that our life will continually take on the hue of the Holy One. In order to do this, we need quiet times, spaces in our day or evening when silence and solitude are given prominence in our schedule. Our culture does not promote this silence. On the contrary, we are constantly pulled this way and that by our overly active society. The electronic age seduces us with constant noise and frenetic, compulsive action. Only with steadfast determination will we create the space we need for daily, formal prayer.
    When we slow down and allow for quiet spaces, there are fewer barriers between us and the Holy One. In stillness, we come face to face with what we might otherwise miss or avoid. As we give ourselves to periods of silence and solitude, we uncover more of the truth that guides our life and are able to relish the goodness of the Beloved dwelling within the beauty of our soul.

    I have another confession to make. A lot of times, I neglect to take the opportunity to make the most of this Lenten project. The idea is supposed to encapture exactly what Sr. Joyce speaks of in this reflection. Silence, quiet time, a steadfast devotion to spending time in prayer. Yet what this has turned into is not always so. Sometimes I leave the TV on in the background. Other times I'm not really praying, but just trying to spew something into the blog window so I can say I kept up with the day. It's better than skipping, for sure, but I think I need to do a better job of intentionally praying throughout this process.
    Tonight, though, I must catch up on sleep. I will surely take the opportunity to pray as I'm closing my eyes, but my consciousness won't last for long...

Wednesday, Week 1 - Feeding Our Deep Hunger for God

"My soul yearns for you in the night, my spirit within me earnestly seeks you" (Isaiah 26:9).

    Nourishment of our spirit takes time and discipline. Sometimes we allow our spirit to hunger and thirst for days without offering ourselves good food for inner growth. Feeding our hunger for God means not only setting aside definite time but also using good resources such as scripture for our prayer time. The food that we place in our minds and hearts greatly affects the decisions and the choices of our days.
    Giving of ourselves to others with quality presence. Quality presence means we have a heart of love and a desire to care for others. It means that "being with" is just as significant as "doing for." It means being willing to have nothing to show for our day's work except faithfully standing by the cross of another, or giving love in a celebrative moment, or attentive perceptive listening with our heart. This kind of presence creates peace, energy, and acceptance in the heart of another. Quality moments mean forgetting about clocks and calendars.

    And how hard it is to achieve... Today marks the 8th day of my blogging project, and while I've kept up (for the most part) each day, I'm finding it difficult to find the time or energy each night to put the effort in to record my reflections. After long days at work, it's easy just to want to kick my feet up and watch Jay Leno.
    I do believe, though, that this will be a rewarding experience, if for no other reason than to build the habit of reflection. I must admit, it seems a large part of my job involves "clocks and calendars", and as long as I'm there, I have to be cognizant of deadlines. I am fortunate, though, that I am blessed with more free time than many in the working world -- my company truly upholds its promise to respect my work/life balance. Usually, the term is thrown around as a buzzword to attract new employees, but I'm certain it's often neglected in reality.
    It is up to me to decide how I will spend my time outside of work. It's probably good that wish I had more of it. Better, at least, than being bored. There are SO many things I want to do! Read, work out, relax, spend time with my closest friends, sleep, cook, volunteer, and lastly, sit and reflect. I don't have time for all of it, but I have to be okay with that, for now. The next several weeks, my focus will be sitting.

Tuesday, Week 1 - Emptying to Grow

"God has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty" (Luke 1:53).

    While the process of emptying may be painful, it can also be growthful. The empty times may feel useless, fruitless, and non-productive, but they are actually a means of our falling into the "immense depths" within ourselves where we see more clearly, learn to be less controlling, long more deeply for God, and touch life with greater reverence and gratitude. We enter into the deep realm inside of us that is filled with th emystery, awe, and endless beauty of God. Emptiness is a gift that opens us further to the transforming power of God.
    Fasting from food or liquids is a way to physically deprive ourselves (to empty ourselves) of some of our fullness. It is one way of reminding ourselves of the need to be emptied form time to time. Bodily fasting can strengthen us for other kinds of emptying.
    This might be a day when you will choose to physically fast so that you can gain courage in letting your full cup be emptied when it is time to do so.

    The very first thing to strike me in tonight's daily reflection was the verse from Luke. Growing up in a Catholic environment, you hear this sort of thing all the time. In fact, for a long time, I'd daydream about what it would actually be like for a camel to squeeze through the eye of a needle! The reason this was especially notable to me tonight is that, for the first time in my life, I feel like the rich. I am both rich by many standards, as well as not rich by many standards, but in the grand scheme of our worldly perspective, I fall closer to the former.
    The idea of emptying myself, especially as it pertains to wealth, is admittedly uncomfortable. It is one thing to desire to live simply, to avoid making unnecessary purchases, and to focus on relationships and quality time in life. It is another altogether to empty oneself, taking this simple living to an extreme. I would say my level of simplicity at this time in my life is moderate, and I am cautious of how easy it would be to fall into the pleasing habit of consumerism. I hope that I can continue to move towards living more simply.

Monday, Week 1 - Seek and You Will Find

"Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you" (Luke 11:9).

    The church is wise in offering us the season of Lent because it can be the very time we need to find what is missing in our lives; it can be the season to deliberately seek what has been tossed away or misplaced or ignored, so that our lives can once gain reflect the gospel which Jesus encouraged us to live. Lent can be a searching out and a restoration time and the means for renewed direction and perspective.
    Lent is the season to ask: What do I cherish in my life? What is it that I hide from? Am I aware of what I am missing or have misplaced interiorly? Have I given myself to the searching and finding of these treasures? What do I need to form my life more on the pattern of the Lord's death and resurrection? Who is it that I seek? Who is it that I hide from? How can I recover what I hold dear?

   That's an awful lot of questions for me to ask myself all at one time. I suppose, though, the point is that I have the whole season of Lent, and for the rest of my life, to ponder these questions. My efforts in pushing myself to reflect every night during Lent are not meant to serve as a single project with a beginning and an end. Rather, I hope to encourage myself to develop the habit of reflection. It is so easy to hide from the questions in life that are most challenging, and most of the time, these are precisely the questions that are most valuable.
    I am encouraged by the title of tonight's reflection: "Seek and You Will Find". This message is a promise for eventual direction, a promise which satisfies my selfish desire to know I am in the right place. However (and forgive me for sounding like a broken record), I constantly have to remind myself to be patient. As my youth minister growing up always said: "God never leaves a prayer unanswered, but doesn't always answer the way you would expect, or when you expect it."
    I spoke with my mom tonight on the phone (hi mom!) - she told me, after reading my first few Lenten blogs, that she was worried I might be unhappy, particularly with work. I assured her that I am not, in any way! I'm extremely grateful to have the job that I do, and while it doesn't come without some level of stress, I appreciate the dynamic experience of learning how to thrive in a new environment.
    The word I would use to describe my state of being at this point in my life, rather, is restless. Restless in the best way. I often catch myself in the habit of laziness -- sleeping in, an unhealthy lifestyle, and general fatigue define my days. But lately, and with much credit to the season of Lent, I'm finding myself more stimulated. I want to grab hold of this feeling and never let it go!

First Sunday of Lent - Our Pilgrim Life

"Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9).

    Because we are pilgrims whose homeland is not here, we journey, search, travel, discover, live with mystery, doubt and wonder. We see dreams come true; we see hopes alive. We see dreams dashed; we see hopes die. We start over again--with people, work, prayer, our whole life, all the days of our life. It is the way of the human spirit.
    Journey has become a very common word in the vocabulary of many people. It implies that we are going somewhere, that we are on the road traveling to a particular destination. In our mobile society, we take many journeys in our lifetime.
    Journey is also used in reference to the traveling that we do on the inside of ourselves, where there is a greater vastness and unfamiliarity than the physical continent far away from us. The journey inside always has the aura of mystery and challenge because when we travel inward we can see only with the eyes of faith.

    Mystery, doubt, and wonder. Every once in a while, I am reminded to take a step back and ... wonder. Reminded to ask those questions that seem to float on without answers. How did something come out of nothing? Why are we here? Where are we going? And why is it that, most of the time, we continue on in our lives without these questions at the forefront of our minds? While I believe that personal initiatives to attain survival, pleasure, laughter, love, etc., are in and of themselves not negative endeavors, I have to wonder if we often lose sight of the bigger picture. Is it enough just to get by? Is it enough just to find comfort, financial security, and a hobby or two to keep things interesting?
    As we continue on our journeys, I believe that we could do a much better job keeping "the big picture" in mind... even if we struggle to grasp exactly what it is we're trying to focus on. Admittedly, it's much easier to dismiss the questions, to become frustrated by the vagueness of our mind's interpretations of life. But it is this very characteristic that makes these questions so valuable. To struggle through these questions is to grow spiritually, even when we know our minds are limited. If we already had all the answers, then it would be too easy, and the process would therefore lose its value.