Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Wednesday, Week 1 - Feeding Our Deep Hunger for God

"My soul yearns for you in the night, my spirit within me earnestly seeks you" (Isaiah 26:9).

    Nourishment of our spirit takes time and discipline. Sometimes we allow our spirit to hunger and thirst for days without offering ourselves good food for inner growth. Feeding our hunger for God means not only setting aside definite time but also using good resources such as scripture for our prayer time. The food that we place in our minds and hearts greatly affects the decisions and the choices of our days.
    Giving of ourselves to others with quality presence. Quality presence means we have a heart of love and a desire to care for others. It means that "being with" is just as significant as "doing for." It means being willing to have nothing to show for our day's work except faithfully standing by the cross of another, or giving love in a celebrative moment, or attentive perceptive listening with our heart. This kind of presence creates peace, energy, and acceptance in the heart of another. Quality moments mean forgetting about clocks and calendars.

    And how hard it is to achieve... Today marks the 8th day of my blogging project, and while I've kept up (for the most part) each day, I'm finding it difficult to find the time or energy each night to put the effort in to record my reflections. After long days at work, it's easy just to want to kick my feet up and watch Jay Leno.
    I do believe, though, that this will be a rewarding experience, if for no other reason than to build the habit of reflection. I must admit, it seems a large part of my job involves "clocks and calendars", and as long as I'm there, I have to be cognizant of deadlines. I am fortunate, though, that I am blessed with more free time than many in the working world -- my company truly upholds its promise to respect my work/life balance. Usually, the term is thrown around as a buzzword to attract new employees, but I'm certain it's often neglected in reality.
    It is up to me to decide how I will spend my time outside of work. It's probably good that wish I had more of it. Better, at least, than being bored. There are SO many things I want to do! Read, work out, relax, spend time with my closest friends, sleep, cook, volunteer, and lastly, sit and reflect. I don't have time for all of it, but I have to be okay with that, for now. The next several weeks, my focus will be sitting.

Tuesday, Week 1 - Emptying to Grow

"God has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty" (Luke 1:53).

    While the process of emptying may be painful, it can also be growthful. The empty times may feel useless, fruitless, and non-productive, but they are actually a means of our falling into the "immense depths" within ourselves where we see more clearly, learn to be less controlling, long more deeply for God, and touch life with greater reverence and gratitude. We enter into the deep realm inside of us that is filled with th emystery, awe, and endless beauty of God. Emptiness is a gift that opens us further to the transforming power of God.
    Fasting from food or liquids is a way to physically deprive ourselves (to empty ourselves) of some of our fullness. It is one way of reminding ourselves of the need to be emptied form time to time. Bodily fasting can strengthen us for other kinds of emptying.
    This might be a day when you will choose to physically fast so that you can gain courage in letting your full cup be emptied when it is time to do so.

    The very first thing to strike me in tonight's daily reflection was the verse from Luke. Growing up in a Catholic environment, you hear this sort of thing all the time. In fact, for a long time, I'd daydream about what it would actually be like for a camel to squeeze through the eye of a needle! The reason this was especially notable to me tonight is that, for the first time in my life, I feel like the rich. I am both rich by many standards, as well as not rich by many standards, but in the grand scheme of our worldly perspective, I fall closer to the former.
    The idea of emptying myself, especially as it pertains to wealth, is admittedly uncomfortable. It is one thing to desire to live simply, to avoid making unnecessary purchases, and to focus on relationships and quality time in life. It is another altogether to empty oneself, taking this simple living to an extreme. I would say my level of simplicity at this time in my life is moderate, and I am cautious of how easy it would be to fall into the pleasing habit of consumerism. I hope that I can continue to move towards living more simply.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Monday, Week 1 - Seek and You Will Find

"Ask, and it will be given you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you" (Luke 11:9).

    The church is wise in offering us the season of Lent because it can be the very time we need to find what is missing in our lives; it can be the season to deliberately seek what has been tossed away or misplaced or ignored, so that our lives can once gain reflect the gospel which Jesus encouraged us to live. Lent can be a searching out and a restoration time and the means for renewed direction and perspective.
    Lent is the season to ask: What do I cherish in my life? What is it that I hide from? Am I aware of what I am missing or have misplaced interiorly? Have I given myself to the searching and finding of these treasures? What do I need to form my life more on the pattern of the Lord's death and resurrection? Who is it that I seek? Who is it that I hide from? How can I recover what I hold dear?

   That's an awful lot of questions for me to ask myself all at one time. I suppose, though, the point is that I have the whole season of Lent, and for the rest of my life, to ponder these questions. My efforts in pushing myself to reflect every night during Lent are not meant to serve as a single project with a beginning and an end. Rather, I hope to encourage myself to develop the habit of reflection. It is so easy to hide from the questions in life that are most challenging, and most of the time, these are precisely the questions that are most valuable.
    I am encouraged by the title of tonight's reflection: "Seek and You Will Find". This message is a promise for eventual direction, a promise which satisfies my selfish desire to know I am in the right place. However (and forgive me for sounding like a broken record), I constantly have to remind myself to be patient. As my youth minister growing up always said: "God never leaves a prayer unanswered, but doesn't always answer the way you would expect, or when you expect it."
    I spoke with my mom tonight on the phone (hi mom!) - she told me, after reading my first few Lenten blogs, that she was worried I might be unhappy, particularly with work. I assured her that I am not, in any way! I'm extremely grateful to have the job that I do, and while it doesn't come without some level of stress, I appreciate the dynamic experience of learning how to thrive in a new environment.
    The word I would use to describe my state of being at this point in my life, rather, is restless. Restless in the best way. I often catch myself in the habit of laziness -- sleeping in, an unhealthy lifestyle, and general fatigue define my days. But lately, and with much credit to the season of Lent, I'm finding myself more stimulated. I want to grab hold of this feeling and never let it go!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

First Sunday of Lent - Our Pilgrim Life

"Be strong and courageous; do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go" (Joshua 1:9).

    Because we are pilgrims whose homeland is not here, we journey, search, travel, discover, live with mystery, doubt and wonder. We see dreams come true; we see hopes alive. We see dreams dashed; we see hopes die. We start over again--with people, work, prayer, our whole life, all the days of our life. It is the way of the human spirit.
    Journey has become a very common word in the vocabulary of many people. It implies that we are going somewhere, that we are on the road traveling to a particular destination. In our mobile society, we take many journeys in our lifetime.
    Journey is also used in reference to the traveling that we do on the inside of ourselves, where there is a greater vastness and unfamiliarity than the physical continent far away from us. The journey inside always has the aura of mystery and challenge because when we travel inward we can see only with the eyes of faith.

    Mystery, doubt, and wonder. Every once in a while, I am reminded to take a step back and ... wonder. Reminded to ask those questions that seem to float on without answers. How did something come out of nothing? Why are we here? Where are we going? And why is it that, most of the time, we continue on in our lives without these questions at the forefront of our minds? While I believe that personal initiatives to attain survival, pleasure, laughter, love, etc., are in and of themselves not negative endeavors, I have to wonder if we often lose sight of the bigger picture. Is it enough just to get by? Is it enough just to find comfort, financial security, and a hobby or two to keep things interesting?
    As we continue on our journeys, I believe that we could do a much better job keeping "the big picture" in mind... even if we struggle to grasp exactly what it is we're trying to focus on. Admittedly, it's much easier to dismiss the questions, to become frustrated by the vagueness of our mind's interpretations of life. But it is this very characteristic that makes these questions so valuable. To struggle through these questions is to grow spiritually, even when we know our minds are limited. If we already had all the answers, then it would be too easy, and the process would therefore lose its value.

Saturday after Ash Wednesday - Time to Go Deeper

"Say to those who are of a fearful heart, 'Be strong, do not fear!'" (Isaiah 35:4).

    Lent is a summons to grow and a challenge to change. It beckons one inward. It is a move to interiority, a passage to the deeper places where we discover our authenticity, where we realize both our limitations and our grandeur. It is here that we come home to our truest Self. We take our external experiences with us to the inside and look at our life. We evaluate our goals, hopes, dreams, beliefs, behaviors, experiences--all that has marked us and contributed to the person we have become--and we ask ourselves: "Is this the person I want to be in the future?"
    As we go deeper, we start finding all sorts of things. Some of it is the junk of old wounds that comes to the surface and needs to be let go while other discoveries are wonderful treasures that gift us with joy. As we explore these waters, we meet strange occupants in the deeps, some of which are frightening and others enigmatically beautiful and enticing.

    Sr. Joyce pretty well summarizes the goal of the season, and the goal of my Lenten project, to ask myself if I am the person I want to be in the future.
    Thus far in my short career as an auditor, I have managed to keep a very critical, discerning mind about the work I am doing. So far, I mostly enjoy the work that I do, I never feel like I'm watching the clock or gasping for Friday, and I know that I am learning every day. At the same time, though, somewhere in the clouded depths of my mind, I question my long-term direction -- not necessarily in a way that rules out my continuing to develop in this career, but in a way that leaves my options for how I choose to live my life totally open. The goal of this Lenten season is to establish the habit of taking these clouded thoughts and transforming them into focused, intentional reflection (and dialogue!) about my direction and my calling.
    I am particularly struck by the comment about realizing both our limitations and our grandeur. It can be tough to find this balance. There are times when I feel totally unmotivated and incapable of anything meaningful in this world. Other times, I feel like I can literally change lives by the millions. To realize the balance between the two would be a peaceful blessing. Yet another object of prayer and patience. Prayer, and patience. I'm sensing a theme...

Friday after Ash Wednesday - Why Fast?

Well, I'm already two days behind in my reflections, so I better catch up! I'm going to try to spread this out today so I can give each reflection its due attention.

"Why do we fast, but You do not see? Why humble ourselves, but You do not notice?" (Isaiah 58:3).

    Fasting can be a means of significant spiritual growth, but so much depends on why we do it.
    What are some good motivations for fasting? One is to remember God's nearness. I get so busy that I lose my sense of God's presence sometimes. When I am hungry, there is an "aha" within that reminds me: "Listen to your hunger for God." Other times, I am too self-oriented, so I fast to deepen my awareness of my sisters and brothers who lack adequate food and drink. And sometimes I let fasting slow me down when I am zooming along too quickly. With less food, I eat slowly and savor more fully.
    I encourage you this Lent to think about why you fast and to consider what you most need for spiritual growth. Perhaps each time you fast, it may be for a slightly different reason. Whatever you do, let your fasting draw you to the heart of God.

    Just last year, I was turned on to the famous Friday Fish Fry's that happen all over Omaha every Lent. Every once in a while, I stop and think -- Is this why we're instructed not to eat meat on Fridays? To give us an excuse to throw a huge party and stuff our faces with fish? Now, I don't mean criticize the Fish Fry ritual that reels in (sorry for the pun) thousands of people per location. From what I understand, the money raised from this weekly event helps to keep many otherwise unsustainable and wholly beneficial programs... sustainable. And, it brings people who love people, together. That can't be bad.
    But it does tend to make a mockery of the spirit of fasting. I try to be careful not to speak condescendingly, for I am as guilty of gluttony as anyone. I think the reflection offered by Sr. Joyce articulates a point so often overlooked by the Catholic community: Why do we fast? More broadly, why do we do anything we do? It is so important for us to understand and strive to feel the effect of the acts we do, especially regarding our faith, but also in all facets of our lives. And if we don't understand, or we just don't seem to feel it, I believe we should pray for the understanding or the ability to be affected spiritually by our own actions.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Thursday after Ash Wednesday - Becoming Pilgrims of the Heart

"The Lord our God be with us... may he not leave us or abandon us, but incline our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways" (1 Kings 8:57-58).

    To be a pilgrim is to be willing to live with the mystery of what will happen both interiorly and exteriorly as one walks day after day after day toward the destination of the sacred site. What happens inside cannot be planned or mapped out in the same way that the physical route is mapped. Becoming a pilgrim means there are no maps of the heart. One simply holds onto the hand of the Great Pilgrim and travels wit hope that one day the spiritual benefits of the road will reveal themselves and be understood.
    In being a pilgrim, the journey itself is of prime importance. It is about what happens to us on the way, what takes place in our hearts. What really matters is how we give ourselves to each step along the way. The same is true for our pilgrimage through life. It is how we live, how we respond to what life brings us that creates the difference in our spiritual journey. It is not waiting until death, the endpoint, before we become who we are meant to be. The process of being spiritually transformed into our truest selves happens all along the way.

    This reflection by Sr. Joyce provides for me a comforting challenge -- let me stress the oxymoron here: Comforting. Challenge.
    The comfort comes in the form of a reminder, a reminder that our lives are a spiritual journey. I am comforted to know that, though I may not yet be the person I am called to be, I am where I am now for a reason. I sometimes stop in my tracks, look at my own life from a distance, and ask the question: "How could you possibly be doing what you're called to do... accounting?" There are three legitimate responses to this. 1) The accounting industry is a necessary task in our society, and in particular, the auditing profession essentially provides the same services to society as policemen do... with numbers. The work I do on a daily basis doesn't always fulfill the heart like I imagine preventing violent crime would, but in the big picture, our profession is responsible for significantly limiting the possibility for rampant economic crime. 2) I am reminded of a concept explored in the Book of Mev (by Mark Chmiel), that, no matter the profession, everyone has an opportunity to be a "liberation ________". I can be a liberation accountant. I can think of two ways to apply this: First, to treat everyone I encounter in my job with the love and respect deserved by all creations of God, perhaps even touching their lives in a small way by my actions. And second, I can explore opportunities to apply the skills I will pick up in my accounting profession to serve others in need. 3) The last response, and the one I think this reflection touches on the most, is the idea that this profession is part of my life's journey for a reason. I am called to take my experiences, no matter how corporate on the surface, and apply them to my spiritual journey.
    Therein lies the challenge. I am challenged to ask questions. Challenged to seek discomfort. Challenged to grow, respond, act, change... Challenged to become the person I am meant to be. But let me not get ahead of myself. After all, the greatest challenge is patience.